Relational Confusion
Take Sam Smith's song Stay With Me. He is a relatively new artist, but has become popular quickly, appearing on Saturday Night Live and non stop on most top 40 radio stations. Here's the chorus:Then there's the boy band One Direction and their song Story of My Life whose chorus goes like this:Oh, won't you stay with me?
Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me
I found myself scratching my head as I listened to these songs. They're so catchy it's easy to miss the fact that neither song makes any sense. What are they about? The message I get from both (look up the rest of the lyrics if you are also confused) is something along the lines of "I love you, need you, and want to be known and loved in return, but I don't actually want you or need you and I'm going to hurt you or leave the relationship."The story of my life I take her home
I drive all night
To keep her warm and time-
Is frozen
The Story of my life I give her hope
I spend her love until she’s broke inside
The story of my life
This concept is found in movies like Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached, both of which center around friends who start having casual sex to "get their needs met" only to discover that they develop feelings for one another and want a committed relationship. The thing that makes these movies confusing is that they are sending out two messages- one is positive and affirms that sex and emotional connection go together and cannot be separated. At the same time, most of the dialogue, humor, and coolness of the characters hinges on the fact that casual sex is happening.
Double Bind
So why am I going on about this? Because these songs and movies touch on a concept developed in the 1950s by researchers trying to understand communication in the development of schizophrenia and unhealthy family systems. It's a complex idea and I can't do it justice in a short essay like this, but basically, a double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which two or more conflicting messages are sent out, with one message negating the other. This means that the person receiving the message will be wrong no matter how they respond, and they are unable to confront the inherent dilemma. The use of confusion makes them difficult to respond to and to resist.Our culture is sending conflicting messages about how we are fulfilled in relationships. The content is that committed and intimate relationships are what we need, but the overarching message is that sleeping around and having fun is what life is all about. Do we use people or do we commit to them? Teenagers don't know how to process, respond, or comment on this message. They sense that they want to be truly seen and loved, but they are bombarded with messages to have as many hookups as possible. Which is it? This affects marriages as well. We want to be committed to our spouse, but we always wonder if we'll be happier if we could be single again or have an affair.
We send this message to each other on a daily basis. Come close, but not too close. I want you to care about me, but don't ask anything of me. Tell me everything, but I'll punish you if I don't like what I hear. You're accepted unconditionally, but this is how we do things in this family. This is the kind of stuff that makes people crazy! My head has been spinning as I try to write this and make it coherent, because the contradictory messages create brain fog, confusion, and the need for a good nap.
I obviously can't change the film or music industry. But I can urge you in your relationships to be clear about what you want and to pursue it wholeheartedly. If your spouse is confusing you, ask for an explanation. If you don't know what you want, figure it out. Let's stop moving through life unaware of our thoughts, desires, and motives, allowing teenagers and twenty somethings to affect us with their bizarre messages about what's important.
The power of a double bind lies in the fact that you can't comment on the contradictory messages. I want to break through that and be clear: we were made to be known by God and our families, and to be committed and faithful. Let culture punish you and tell you that you're outdated or missing all the fun. You'll have what they really want.
Your argument is valid. To add to the discussion, something that I have been thinking about a lot lately is the selfish nature of relationships. We often go into relationships looking for an emotional need to be met. On some level this is intended, for in marriage, man and woman come together to complete one another and our differences complement one another. But what happens if the other person is not meeting those needs? I see so often how people run from relationship to relationship desperately trying to find their fulfillment in a relationship. This has its roots in idolatry; we think that another fallen human being can fulfill the longings for security and acceptance and love that only God can give us. Once we have our needs met in God, only then are we free to serve the other, and stop using them to satisfy our needs. Good post, brother.
ReplyDeleteTim, thank you for writing this. I too have been thinking a lot about my love of pop music and yet feel repulsed by the messages it sends to listeners about how we should treat others. I can see how such influences can subtly plant in our minds how to treat others, especially our spouses and significant others. It is yet another way in which we must guard ourselves against what we accept as truth in order to find emotional wellbeing and healthy communication and relationships with those in our lives. Not only do such messages go against Christian principles, but they are inherently dangerous to listeners in general as we all live in community with others.
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