The Sleepy Hollow Fire

Here in Wenatchee, Washington it has been an eventful couple of days.  A fire started yesterday in the afternoon and quickly moved along the hillside towards town, destroying around 24 homes and catching in several buildings downtown.  Earlier today there was a threat of an ammonia leak and warnings to stay inside.  As I write this, I don’t know the extent of the damage.  It seems the fires are no longer spreading, but they are still burning and there is concern that the wind could whip them into a frenzy if it picks up.

I need to process this fire.  It has shaken me up.

My house hasn’t burned down and I am safe.  I’m thankful for this!  But you should know that until November 2013 I spent the entirety of my life along the east coast.  They don’t have wildfires.  There were severe snows and hurricane threats periodically, but they rarely directly touched my life.  Living out west in an area susceptible to fires is a different experience entirely.  One of the things I’ve loved about being out west is the sheer wildness of it, the imposing peaks, the winding highways through passes, the reminders that I’m small.  But there’s another side to that coin that I don’t like as much and it is called fire.  I’ve had to ask myself over the past few days- “Can I stand to live in a place where there’s a very real possibility each fire season that I could lose everything?”

Uncertainty and Fear

 As my wife and I realized the fire wasn’t abating and was getting closer, we went for a brief drive up into the hills across the river to get an idea of what was actually going on.  Seeing the lines of fire along the ridges was shocking.  It was a primal scene.  Even worse was seeing flames erupt from buildings several miles from our house.  I felt very small and extremely helpless.  I was witnessing a force of nature.  It was no longer “out there” as in some disaster you see in the news or hear about secondhand.  I was watching it spread in my town and wondering how it was ever going to stop.

After we got home we turned on the news and discovered that evacuations were happening directly to the north and west of us.  You know that question, “If your house was on fire what would you grab?”  I always thought of that as a nice thought exercise, again one I wouldn’t have to actually consider.  But as I looked out our back window and could see nothing but flames on the hillside, we readied ourselves for a quick escape.  As we packed, I was struck by how little I felt the need to bring.  I was mainly concerned with my journals, letters from family and friends, pictures, and a few books that have meant a lot to me.

We were not evacuated, so we went to bed reluctantly at 3:30 AM, continuing to nervously glance out the window and check for evacuation notices.  We prayed a simple prayer before several fitful hours of sleep, and I was struck by something my wife Tiffany said to God.  She thanked Him that no matter what happened to us or our belongings, we had Him.

Returning

 And that’s what it always comes back to doesn’t it?  I was given another opportunity to realize my insignificance both personally and in my material possessions.  I was scared.  I couldn’t imagine the suffering of those that had actually lost their homes.  But I needed to be redirected, to see beyond the flames to the God of the universe, and to know that my life, now and forever is in His hands. 

This is not a new insight.  We know how suffering, loss, and moments of fear can give us a fresh dose of perspective.  I have a renewed desire not to take anything for granted.  People woke on Sunday morning like it was a perfectly normal day and by that evening they were fleeing their homes.  I was also reminded not to hold onto anything too tight.  You don’t get to take it with you, at some point in this life it may be taken from you, and most of it doesn’t matter anyway.  But last night these things I’ve thought about primarily as intellectual, head knowledge, shifted to emotional experience for me.  I pray I don’t forget the truth of it.  We’re such interesting and stubborn creatures.  Well, I won’t speak for you.  I’m mostly amazed at myself that it takes something like a town catching on fire to make me stop and actually take in deeper truths.  And by tomorrow I fear I will have forgotten it and started worrying about petty things, focused again on my comfort.  Let it not be so!

“Whom have in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  Psalm 73:25-26

Spiritual Resources

I was reading through an account in the Old Testament the other day, it was the section in 1 Kings that described Solomon building the temple.  It contained lengthy descriptions of the materials involved, the exact measurements, and the layout.  It was boring.  I started to skim it the way you do when you feel guilty about just turning the page but also don't want to actually invest too much time.

But then I got to the next chapter where Solomon prays at the dedication of the temple.  This is what he says, "But will God really dwell on earth?  The heavens, even the highest heaven cannot contain you...Hear the supplication of your servant and of your people Israel when they pray toward this place.  Hear from heaven, your dwelling place, and when you hear forgive...and when a prayer or plea is made by anyone among your people Israel-being aware of the afflictions of their own hearts, and spreading out their hands toward this temple- then hear from heaven, your dwelling place" (1 Kings 8:27, 30,38-39).

As I read this I realized a couple of things.  First, the lengthy descriptions emphasize what a huge deal this is that God chose to make a physical dwelling among the people.  The glory of the temple in it's size and splendor is a pale reflection of the glory that God actually possesses.  Second, it was a massively big deal for the people to have a set place in which they knew they could reach out to God in order to find help and forgiveness.  This was the part that had Solomon excited and somewhat disbelieving- there was now a physical location where people could connect with God.

Present Day Temple

We know from the New Testament, that after the death and resurrection of Jesus, we were given the gift of the Holy Spirit.  1 Corinthians 6:19 says, "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"  Our level of amazement should be exponentially greater than Solomon's at the building of the temple.  This is an incredible truth.  Now in order to connect with God, we don't have to visit the physical temple.  We have the Holy Spirit living within us.

For me this is one of those truths that is very easy to gloss over.  I'm aware of it, grateful on some level for it, and know it probably has an effect on a daily basis.  But my thoughts typically remain vague on the subject.

Internal Family Systems

There's a counseling theory/approach that can help us understand the practical implications and resources that are at our disposal.  I would recommend studying and reading up on this approach because I won't be able to do it justice here.  It was created by a therapist named Richard Schwartz and basically teaches that each of us have many different parts within us in the same way that a family has different members.  These parts all play roles and serve purposes, and they also can get into conflict with each other.  In the same way that a healthy family will have good leadership from parents, we will be healthy individuals to the degree that we exercise healthy leadership of our internal parts.

For the Christian, the leader of our internal parts is the Holy Spirit, who lives within.  Mary Steege, author of The Spirit-Led Life says this, "The Internal Family Systems model reminds us that we have a great spiritual resource:that heavenly treasure stored in our jars of clay.  Our Self (the Spirit) joins with our parts, meets them just as they are, right where they are; and where they are is in our flesh...Spirit in the flesh: it's a special kind of connection...and because of this, there is the potential for inner peace, no matter what's happening in the world around me" (48,50).

In the same way that the Israelites used to journey to the temple, we can stop, become aware of the need within us, and bring it to the Holy Spirit.  Are you struggling with anger, anxiety, an addiction, a drive to perform that won't let you relax?  This is not the entirety of you, it is a part of you that the Spirit would like to touch, heal, and lead.  The implications of this are best worked out in a counseling setting, but you can begin immediately to take full advantage of the resources available to you.  Praying for a greater awareness of the Spirit's role and purpose in your life would be a good place to start.  Stopping when you notice strong emotions or behaviors and inviting God to be involved in them is a good place to start.  Share in Solomon's amazement that our glorious God makes His dwelling with men.

Defensiveness

 Rescue

I've been considering the ways we keep ourselves from maturing and living a good life.  As I examine myself and spend more and more time counseling, it becomes disturbingly clear that it is not life circumstances or other people who ultimately keep us from peace and joy.  One of the primary ways we harm ourselves is by being defensive- not open to advice, challenge, or ideas that will stretch us to view the world differently or change our behavior.

A friend recently recommended the book Gilead.  It is the story of an elderly pastor who is writing a series of letters to his young son.  It's filled with simple wisdom such as this:

"Nevertheless, I would advise you against defensiveness on principle.  It precludes the best eventualities along with the worst.  At the most basic level, it expresses a lack of faith.  As I have said, the worst eventualities can have great value as experience.  And often enough, when we think we are protecting ourselves, we are struggling against our rescuer (154)."

Defensiveness as Death

 Around the same time I was mulling over that quote, I happened upon Jeremiah 38 in my personal study.  In that chapter, the Babylonian army has Jerusalem under siege, and have come in judgment due to Israel's repeated sin and rebellion. I'll pick up the action at the second verse with Jeremiah speaking to the people:

"This is what the Lord says: 'Whoever stays in this city will die by the sword, famine, or plague but whoever goes over to the Babylonians will live'...Then the officials said to the king, 'This man (Jeremiah) should be put to death.  He is discouraging the soldiers who are left in this city, as well as all the people, by the things he is saying to them.  This man is not seeking the good of these people but their ruin.'"

That got my attention.  This passage is giving us a basic insight into who we are as people. We don't want to listen, especially if we have set our minds on an idea or a course of action, even in the face of clear warning from God and others.  How can such stupidity be possible?  God spent the first 37 chapters of Jeremiah spelling out to the people that judgment was coming.  Then He is gracious enough to give them one last out- just surrender and accept what is inevitably going to happen and you don't have to die.

But the people were defensive.  They thought they had to continue protecting themselves and fighting back, that it was the only way.  They were closed to instruction or warning.  This response fits their defensive patterns that led them to destruction in the first place, ignoring God's warnings and calls to return, refusing to accept that consequences might follow.  And so they sought to kill their rescuer, attributing motives that were entirely false.  We need to see ourselves in Israel's example, because we know a thing or two about defensiveness ourselves.

Have a Little Faith 

How does defensiveness express a lack of faith?  It touches directly on the question of control and stubborn self reliance.  Are you the final authority on all things?  Do you know yourself and what's best for you better than anyone, even God?  You see, God is speaking to us all the time.  He uses our circumstances to get our attention. 

Is your spouse upset with you about something?  Are there patterns in your relationships that don't seem to ever change, things they're pointing out or asking you to do?  God could be using your spouse to show you a place you need to grow.  Do you read the Bible ready to be taught?  How do you respond to a challenging sermon or a question from a friend about your behavior?  This principle is true even in situations where the confrontation isn't necessarily loving.  This is where faith is required, trust that God might have some truth He wants you to know about yourself in all difficult circumstances.

If no one is allowed to speak into your life, you will never hear from God and you will never change.  You will lose relationships that matter to you.  I sadly see this in my office from time to time.  I can recognize it in the stony expression on a client's face when their spouse is sitting next to them and crying, begging for something to change.  This is the person who wants me to fix their child or their spouse and who withdraws from therapy as soon as I ask them to consider their role in the problem.  The mantra, "I don't need a counselor to tell me how to live my life" is often on their lips.  That's fine, because I never considered that my job description.  My desire is to help, and it is thwarted most deeply when I encounter defensiveness. 

So I implore you to have a little faith.  What are you most defensive and sensitive about?  This is the place where God is trying to get you to stop and listen.  You are under siege and your very life is in jeopardy.  If you surrender and let down your walls, the battle can stop and you can live.  Your supposed enemy may actually be your rescuer.  In Jeremiah, Israel's king refused to listen.  He had his eyes put out after he watched his family die.  That's an image that I hope stays with you.

A Final Word

The counselor in me won't allow the discussion to end on that note, however.  I want to be clear that I understand there are reasons why hearing criticism or warning can be hard.  It is threatening and humbling.  For many, it taps into deep wounds.  I have heard from many men stories of verbal and physical abuse they experienced as children and subsequent vows they made to be strong, not to take anything from anybody.  Exploring weaknesses is not a safe activity.  Others have deep self hatred instilled by parental rejection, and to admit wrong in any area is to open up wells of hopelessness and despair, to confirm what they are quietly telling themselves already.

But this is exactly why I'm writing on this topic, so that we can mature and become adults.  Those vows were made by a child who thought it was the only way to survive.  Those beliefs are founded on lies and God would have you live by truth.  If you're no longer a child, those defense mechanisms will not help you thrive or have adult relationships. 

There is rescue available if you will stop and listen to the voices around you- particularly the ones you are fighting hardest to shut out.

Mixed Messages

 This is going to be one of those entries where I'm an old man waving his cane at those darn kids.  For some reason as I've been listening to pop on the radio, I've been paying closer attention to the lyrics instead of mindlessly rocking out to the catchy tunes, and as I listened and tried to make sense of them my irritation built.

Relational Confusion

Take Sam Smith's song Stay With Me.  He is a relatively new artist, but has become popular quickly, appearing on Saturday Night Live and non stop on most top 40 radio stations.  Here's the chorus:

Oh, won't you stay with me?
Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me

Then there's the boy band One Direction and their song Story of My Life whose chorus goes like this:

The story of my life I take her home
I drive all night
To keep her warm and time-
Is frozen
The Story of my life I give her hope
I spend her love until she’s broke inside
The story of my life

I found myself scratching my head as I listened to these songs.  They're so catchy it's easy to miss the fact that neither song makes any sense.  What are they about?  The message I get from both (look up the rest of the lyrics if you are also confused) is something along the lines of "I love you, need you, and want to be known and loved in return, but I don't actually want you or need you and I'm going to hurt you or leave the relationship."

This concept is found in movies like Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached, both of which center around friends who start having casual sex to "get their needs met" only to discover that they develop feelings for one another and want a committed relationship.  The thing that makes these movies confusing is that they are sending out two messages- one is positive and affirms that sex and emotional connection go together and cannot be separated.  At the same time, most of the dialogue, humor, and coolness of the characters hinges on the fact that casual sex is happening. 

Double Bind

So why am I going on about this?  Because these songs and movies touch on a concept developed in the 1950s by researchers trying to understand communication in the development of schizophrenia and unhealthy family systems.  It's a complex idea and I can't do it justice in a short essay like this, but basically, a double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which two or more conflicting messages are sent out, with one message negating the other.  This means that the person receiving the message will be wrong no matter how they respond, and they are unable to confront the inherent dilemma.  The use of confusion makes them difficult to respond to and to resist.

Our culture is sending conflicting messages about how we are fulfilled in relationships.  The content is that committed and intimate relationships are what we need, but the overarching message is that sleeping around and having fun is what life is all about.  Do we use people or do we commit to them?  Teenagers don't know how to process, respond, or comment on this message.  They sense that they want to be truly seen and loved, but they are bombarded with messages to have as many hookups as possible.  Which is it?  This affects marriages as well.  We want to be committed to our spouse, but we always wonder if we'll be happier if we could be single again or have an affair.

We send this message to each other on a daily basis.  Come close, but not too close.  I want you to care about me, but don't ask anything of me.  Tell me everything, but I'll punish you if I don't like what I hear.  You're accepted unconditionally, but this is how we do things in this family.  This is the kind of stuff that makes people crazy!  My head has been spinning as I try to write this and make it coherent, because the contradictory messages create brain fog, confusion, and the need for a good nap.

I obviously can't change the film or music industry.  But I can urge you in your relationships to be clear about what you want and to pursue it wholeheartedly.  If your spouse is confusing you, ask for an explanation.  If you don't know what you want, figure it out.  Let's stop moving through life unaware of our thoughts, desires, and motives, allowing teenagers and twenty somethings to affect us with their bizarre messages about what's important. 

The power of a double bind lies in the fact that you can't comment on the contradictory messages.  I want to break through that and be clear: we were made to be known by God and our families, and to be committed and faithful.  Let culture punish you and tell you that you're outdated or missing all the fun.  You'll have what they really want.

Peace

I'm continually perplexed by the elusiveness of peace in my own life, and I see those around me facing the same struggle and asking the same questions.  This is especially taxing for those who have faith in God because He says a lot about peace and how Christians are supposed to have it.  Why the immense gap between what is promised and our experience?  Is God letting us down or are we doing something wrong?

The World's Peace

John 14:27 presents words from Jesus that have simultaneously comforted and haunted me: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid."

The first question this causes me to ask is, "What kind of peace does the world give?"  The world's version of peace is the removal of discomfort, resolution of problems, and changed circumstances.  We lack peace about our finances and think we will have it when we have paid off a debt or been able to afford the house of our dreams.  We lack peace about a relationship and think it will come when that person goes away or changes the way we want them to.  This even applies to more minor moments in our day- we lack peace when we feel bored so we look down at our phones for a shot of entertainment, news, or connection with another person.  This is embodied in the sentence we all say in our hearts- "I would be happy if...."

This creates an unending and never satisfied desire for peace.  Why?  Because I have never met anyone who is completely happy with all aspects of their life or circumstances.  Even those we would envy most carry unfulfilled dreams and desires.  So if we adopt this definition of peace, we will never find it, and will be continually frustrated and looking for the next band aid that will provide at least temporary peace.  This kind of thinking is how addictions develop, how greed and materialism consume us, and how we become slaves to instant gratification.  It can also lead to deep depression and crippling anxiety when the hoped for source of peace is late in arriving or never comes at all.

God's Peace

The second, inevitable question is, "How is God's peace different?"  What I have realized recently is that when I think about God and peace, I am asking the wrong questions. I have bought into the world's idea of peace.  I ask, "Why isn't God working?  Why has He forgotten me?  When will this end?"  Wrong questions.  This is not God's idea of peace or the kind He wants to give to me, so He is not going to resolve my problems instantly or give me what I think I need.

This is why we become troubled and afraid, because we sense that we will never have what we think we need and that God is unwilling to give it to us or else has somehow forgotten us or is punishing us.

The question that points us in the right direction is, "How could God be working in this situation and what is He trying to teach me?"  God's primary concern is that we grow in holiness, that we mature, and that we become more and more like Jesus.  This is challenging, but if we come to believe it, we will have no reason to become troubled or afraid, or to buy into the notion that we need a quick fix.  I find it strangely comforting to realize that God isn't hanging His hopes on whether I can ever afford a nice house, because it means I don't have to either.

Non Christian approaches to therapy have caught a kernel of this truth.  There is a growing theoretical approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which emphasizes the ability to be in the present and accept it non judgmentally.  Existential approaches have long challenged people to accept the reality of pain and death as well as the importance of individual responsibility.  The existentialist will not allow you to blame other people or circumstances for your lack of peace, it is your responsibility and yours alone. These are helpful departures from peace as the world gives, but they still fall short.  How do we truly accept the reality of our situation without faith in the God?  This is the God revealed in Scripture who repeatedly talks of his love and care for us, of His continual work in us and plans for us both in the present and eternity.

We have peace not in acceptance or calm detachment.  Not in taking control of our fate.  Not in getting what we think we need.

Peace is not the end of problems or pain, but rather the acceptance of God's activity and purpose in and through them.  It is cultivating a spirit of gratefulness that God does not leave us alone, that He is close, so close that He died for us.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."  Isaiah 53:5

Divorced Parents and Children Who Don't Want to Talk to Them

One of the most difficult cases for me are those where a child, usually somewhere between 10 and 18 years old, doesn't want any kind of relationship with one of their parents.  I see this most often in the case of divorce or separation.  These are complex situations.  Everyone in the family is grieving the loss of the parental unit and sometimes parents pressure children to take sides, while at other times a parent-child relationship was already strained, and the divorce serves as the final break.  My primary aim here is to speak to the parent who has recently separated or divorced and whose child or children don't want to come for visits, won't speak on the phone when you call, and seem sullen or distant if you are able to get time with them.

When I talk to these parents, they are very frustrated.  Often they are angry at their ex for not making the kids visit and feel they are somehow being undermined.  I believe this can and does happen, but in my clinical experience, this is rare.  What is usually the case is that the child is angry.  What I hear from kids when they don't want to see a parent is usually a history of a bad relationship.  In many cases there has been abuse of a verbal or physical nature, but it doesn't have to be that extreme.  It could be as subtle as "We never really connected or got along."  This could be daily butting of heads or just general distance and avoidance in the relationship.  If a child saw a lot of conflict between you and your ex this is often a contributing factor.  If you start dating quickly or remarry and don't include your kids in the process and talk to them about it proactively, this is another time where kids might shut down and shut you out.  They could just be angry at you for getting divorced and blowing up their family.

REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP

So what can you do about it?  If I'm being honest, these situations frustrate me as a therapist, because the overwhelming response I get is, "I need your help to make this kid visit me or like me, and I need your help making my ex get with the program."  I can help your child process what is going on and will always encourage reconciliation, but change isn't going to come from them, your ex, or me.  It must start with you.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, that suggests a problem in the relationship.  Forget about blaming your ex for that.  Even if they are contributing to the problem, there's nothing you can do about it.  All you can control is your response to your child in the present.  Often an apology is in order.  You need to see that your actions over the years have likely hurt your child, and you need to be willing to listen to their complaints and offer a sincere apology for your failings and for the fact that a divorce or separation happened.  Again, it's not about your ex's role in the split or the fact that they equally contributed to the arguments- what your kids have seen and decided is that in some way you are the bad one.

Many of you get stuck here because it seems so unfair.  Let me explain.  I see a lot of problems when adults get into "control mode" with teenagers.  There is a time and a place to push obedience, compliance, and respect.  But if your child is a pre-teen or teen, they are out of the stage where control is the primary mode of parenting.  They have moved into a stage where you are preparing them to be responsible adults, guiding them, and developing a relationship that is strong enough to continue after they (or you in this case) leave the home.  When you get divorced, you cannot invoke the parental right of control to make your kid come see you if you have not put in the work to have a good relationship with them.

The logic is simple.  In any other relationship, say with a friend or a coworker, if you had a poor relationship and you did things to upset them, would you insist that they enjoy your company or spend time with you without first trying to talk to them and sort things out?  If you wronged them, you would apologize and try to make things right.  If they decided they didn't want to be around you it would probably be upsetting but you would respect it.  Why are children not afforded this same courtesy?  They too are human beings who can be offended and hurt, and the steps of restitution and restoration still apply.

THE NEXT STEP

Practically this means not forcing them to see you.  Likely they have felt controlled or pushed around already, and making them do things with you doesn't help with this feeling.  Let them know that you will give them time and space.  Send them letters in which you apologize and reach out.  Call once a week.  If possible, arrange to stop by their home for brief visits just to say hello.  Invite them to fun, low pressure outings like a movie or sporting event.  Many kids tell me going out to eat is awkward because you're sitting face to face and pressured to make conversation.  Go watch them play soccer or perform in the school play and say hello afterward.  Go for a walk or bike ride.  Don't give up on your children.

If you have hangups that have hurt your relationship like an addiction, anger management issue, or workaholic tendencies, take the time to work on this in order to show them that you are serious about changing things.

I know this is a tall order.  Some of you bristle at the notion of apologizing and humbling yourself before your children in this way.  It is a risk, because they still have the power to reject you.  In that case, you will at least know that you did all you could to achieve reconciliation, and their bitterness will be their responsibility and burden to bear.  It is a risk you will find rewarding and worth taking.

The Unexpected

Now that I have some distance from the holiday season, I've been mulling over the way I respond to holidays and big events.  I'm continually surprised by what a let down New Year's Eve tends to be, and this year's Super Bowl was another event that I looked forward to for weeks, only to end up feeling like a bored zombie while watching a game that was never even close.  So often a day that I'm told is supposed to be exciting or celebratory falls flat.  Why is this?  Have you ever had this experience?  The bigger the day, it seems like the bigger chance for frustration and disappointment.  If you're beginning to wonder where I'm going with such a downer subject, let me assure you I am not Eeyore the donkey in disgruntled human form.  I think the key is found in the unexpected.

You Can't Force It

One of the rules of psychology is that if you try not to think of something, you will inevitably only be able to think of that thing.  Try it right now.  Don't think of an elephant.  Why are you thinking of an elephant standing on a ball?  Stop it and pay attention to what I'm trying to write about.

It is the same with events.  If we approach a day or a situation with preconceived ideas about how it's going to be or how it's supposed to be, we will be focused on that and will end up having a bad time.  Your mind is focused on one thing to the exclusion of the actual experience.  This is another way of saying that in life, you can't force things.  You cannot force yourself to have a good time if you're telling yourself that you should be having a good time, and you can't make other people behave the way you want them to.

I just had a birthday.  This is another day that we are told is supposed to be one of the best of the year.  People always ask me on my birthday what I'm doing to celebrate or if I had a great day.  I feel so much pressure to make it a great day, that even if something great happens, I'm not really able to be in the moment.  Often some activity to celebrate my birthday either several days before or after the big day ends up being more meaningful.  The exception to this rule was a couple of years ago when on my birthday, my wife surprised me by turning our kitchen into a candlelit French cafe and preparing all my favorite foods.  Realizing this pattern, I see that the best days are the ones we haven't planned, the times we are surprised.

The 3 Hangover movies were wildly successful, and I think part of the reason is that they tap into this reality, albeit in a raucous, immoral manner.  Friends get together with an idea of what they're going to end up doing for a bachelor party, and one crazy thing happens after another.  We are drawn to "I can't believe that just happened!"

 

Wednesdays

Look back on your fondest memories.  Some of them may have been big days, like your wedding or the birth of a child.  But I would wager that many of them were days when you woke up expecting one thing and got another.  At the end you find yourself smiling, laughing, and feeling grateful for the experience.  This is the power of the unexpected.  You can't force it, and it often appears in very simple moments.  But you can put yourself in a position to experience it more often.  For me, it's about moving through life with open hands, not holding too tightly to expectations or thoughts about how a day or event should go.  It's realizing that the middle of the week could be more profound or enjoyable than the Saturday night plans I've been looking forward to all week.

I believe this principle holds true with God as well.  We cannot force God to show up when and how we want Him to, nor can we create the kind of experiences we want during worship services or times of prayer.  God moves in the unexpected, and asks us to be ready for Him to break through in our lives each day in thousands of ways, from the mundane to the life changing.  Our responsibility is to be ready, to adopt a child-like attitude of hope and expectation, without forcing it.  So many of our expectations are completely self absorbed and God wants to take us out of that, to be ready to actually experience what is around us.