Divorced Parents and Children Who Don't Want to Talk to Them

One of the most difficult cases for me are those where a child, usually somewhere between 10 and 18 years old, doesn't want any kind of relationship with one of their parents.  I see this most often in the case of divorce or separation.  These are complex situations.  Everyone in the family is grieving the loss of the parental unit and sometimes parents pressure children to take sides, while at other times a parent-child relationship was already strained, and the divorce serves as the final break.  My primary aim here is to speak to the parent who has recently separated or divorced and whose child or children don't want to come for visits, won't speak on the phone when you call, and seem sullen or distant if you are able to get time with them.

When I talk to these parents, they are very frustrated.  Often they are angry at their ex for not making the kids visit and feel they are somehow being undermined.  I believe this can and does happen, but in my clinical experience, this is rare.  What is usually the case is that the child is angry.  What I hear from kids when they don't want to see a parent is usually a history of a bad relationship.  In many cases there has been abuse of a verbal or physical nature, but it doesn't have to be that extreme.  It could be as subtle as "We never really connected or got along."  This could be daily butting of heads or just general distance and avoidance in the relationship.  If a child saw a lot of conflict between you and your ex this is often a contributing factor.  If you start dating quickly or remarry and don't include your kids in the process and talk to them about it proactively, this is another time where kids might shut down and shut you out.  They could just be angry at you for getting divorced and blowing up their family.

REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP

So what can you do about it?  If I'm being honest, these situations frustrate me as a therapist, because the overwhelming response I get is, "I need your help to make this kid visit me or like me, and I need your help making my ex get with the program."  I can help your child process what is going on and will always encourage reconciliation, but change isn't going to come from them, your ex, or me.  It must start with you.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, that suggests a problem in the relationship.  Forget about blaming your ex for that.  Even if they are contributing to the problem, there's nothing you can do about it.  All you can control is your response to your child in the present.  Often an apology is in order.  You need to see that your actions over the years have likely hurt your child, and you need to be willing to listen to their complaints and offer a sincere apology for your failings and for the fact that a divorce or separation happened.  Again, it's not about your ex's role in the split or the fact that they equally contributed to the arguments- what your kids have seen and decided is that in some way you are the bad one.

Many of you get stuck here because it seems so unfair.  Let me explain.  I see a lot of problems when adults get into "control mode" with teenagers.  There is a time and a place to push obedience, compliance, and respect.  But if your child is a pre-teen or teen, they are out of the stage where control is the primary mode of parenting.  They have moved into a stage where you are preparing them to be responsible adults, guiding them, and developing a relationship that is strong enough to continue after they (or you in this case) leave the home.  When you get divorced, you cannot invoke the parental right of control to make your kid come see you if you have not put in the work to have a good relationship with them.

The logic is simple.  In any other relationship, say with a friend or a coworker, if you had a poor relationship and you did things to upset them, would you insist that they enjoy your company or spend time with you without first trying to talk to them and sort things out?  If you wronged them, you would apologize and try to make things right.  If they decided they didn't want to be around you it would probably be upsetting but you would respect it.  Why are children not afforded this same courtesy?  They too are human beings who can be offended and hurt, and the steps of restitution and restoration still apply.

THE NEXT STEP

Practically this means not forcing them to see you.  Likely they have felt controlled or pushed around already, and making them do things with you doesn't help with this feeling.  Let them know that you will give them time and space.  Send them letters in which you apologize and reach out.  Call once a week.  If possible, arrange to stop by their home for brief visits just to say hello.  Invite them to fun, low pressure outings like a movie or sporting event.  Many kids tell me going out to eat is awkward because you're sitting face to face and pressured to make conversation.  Go watch them play soccer or perform in the school play and say hello afterward.  Go for a walk or bike ride.  Don't give up on your children.

If you have hangups that have hurt your relationship like an addiction, anger management issue, or workaholic tendencies, take the time to work on this in order to show them that you are serious about changing things.

I know this is a tall order.  Some of you bristle at the notion of apologizing and humbling yourself before your children in this way.  It is a risk, because they still have the power to reject you.  In that case, you will at least know that you did all you could to achieve reconciliation, and their bitterness will be their responsibility and burden to bear.  It is a risk you will find rewarding and worth taking.

The Unexpected

Now that I have some distance from the holiday season, I've been mulling over the way I respond to holidays and big events.  I'm continually surprised by what a let down New Year's Eve tends to be, and this year's Super Bowl was another event that I looked forward to for weeks, only to end up feeling like a bored zombie while watching a game that was never even close.  So often a day that I'm told is supposed to be exciting or celebratory falls flat.  Why is this?  Have you ever had this experience?  The bigger the day, it seems like the bigger chance for frustration and disappointment.  If you're beginning to wonder where I'm going with such a downer subject, let me assure you I am not Eeyore the donkey in disgruntled human form.  I think the key is found in the unexpected.

You Can't Force It

One of the rules of psychology is that if you try not to think of something, you will inevitably only be able to think of that thing.  Try it right now.  Don't think of an elephant.  Why are you thinking of an elephant standing on a ball?  Stop it and pay attention to what I'm trying to write about.

It is the same with events.  If we approach a day or a situation with preconceived ideas about how it's going to be or how it's supposed to be, we will be focused on that and will end up having a bad time.  Your mind is focused on one thing to the exclusion of the actual experience.  This is another way of saying that in life, you can't force things.  You cannot force yourself to have a good time if you're telling yourself that you should be having a good time, and you can't make other people behave the way you want them to.

I just had a birthday.  This is another day that we are told is supposed to be one of the best of the year.  People always ask me on my birthday what I'm doing to celebrate or if I had a great day.  I feel so much pressure to make it a great day, that even if something great happens, I'm not really able to be in the moment.  Often some activity to celebrate my birthday either several days before or after the big day ends up being more meaningful.  The exception to this rule was a couple of years ago when on my birthday, my wife surprised me by turning our kitchen into a candlelit French cafe and preparing all my favorite foods.  Realizing this pattern, I see that the best days are the ones we haven't planned, the times we are surprised.

The 3 Hangover movies were wildly successful, and I think part of the reason is that they tap into this reality, albeit in a raucous, immoral manner.  Friends get together with an idea of what they're going to end up doing for a bachelor party, and one crazy thing happens after another.  We are drawn to "I can't believe that just happened!"

 

Wednesdays

Look back on your fondest memories.  Some of them may have been big days, like your wedding or the birth of a child.  But I would wager that many of them were days when you woke up expecting one thing and got another.  At the end you find yourself smiling, laughing, and feeling grateful for the experience.  This is the power of the unexpected.  You can't force it, and it often appears in very simple moments.  But you can put yourself in a position to experience it more often.  For me, it's about moving through life with open hands, not holding too tightly to expectations or thoughts about how a day or event should go.  It's realizing that the middle of the week could be more profound or enjoyable than the Saturday night plans I've been looking forward to all week.

I believe this principle holds true with God as well.  We cannot force God to show up when and how we want Him to, nor can we create the kind of experiences we want during worship services or times of prayer.  God moves in the unexpected, and asks us to be ready for Him to break through in our lives each day in thousands of ways, from the mundane to the life changing.  Our responsibility is to be ready, to adopt a child-like attitude of hope and expectation, without forcing it.  So many of our expectations are completely self absorbed and God wants to take us out of that, to be ready to actually experience what is around us.

How Do We Change?

I've been asking this question for what feels like my whole life, and I have formalized the pursuit of this question by studying Psychology and choosing counseling as a profession.  The question is both personal and relational.  I hardly expect to deal with a subject that has spilled much ink in one blog entry, but I offer what I hope will be a starting point on your journey to answer this question.

Beliefs about God

I build my foundation upon belief in God and the Bible.  If you aren't with me on this point, hang around and see if what follows makes any sense.  The essential thing to understand about God and change is seen in the reality of Jesus and the cross.  God seeks us out and saves us while we are completely apart from and disinterested in Him.  Once we are led to belief, it is God through the Holy Spirit who continues to move in us and help us grow despite our constant tendency to go our own way and live for ourselves.  We fundamentally resist change and are incapable of doing anything about it unless God acts, both before and after initial belief.

This last point is where a lot of the confusion about change begins. My thoughts on this topic are largely influenced by the writing of John and Paula Sandford, who have been blowing my mind recently with their material. 

When we trust in Christ, we are saved and our sins are no longer counted against us.  We belong to Christ.  This is the best news imaginable.  But unfortunately, the process of change and growth is just beginning.  Many are shocked to find that all of their old hangups and behaviors are still present after becoming a believer.  Growth is not complete and is still very difficult.

Psychology

My training was largely influenced by cognitive behavioral therapy and experiential, client centered approaches.  What these essentially teach is that people can change if their thought patterns are adjusted and they have the right kinds of reinforcement following new behavior.  They also teach that people are inherently good, know what they need to grow, and are capable of making the right choices if they are validated and helped to unlock their potential.

This thinking isn't dominated by "secular" misguided psychology.  A common approach in the church is to assume that through the right kind of teaching and personal discipline, maybe praying harder, change will be possible.  There is danger here of falling into one of two heresies that have plagued the church.  Gnosticism: believing that we are made whole by right knowledge or thinking, and Pelagianism: believing that we can heal ourselves by our own efforts.  The two together say if we understand our formation we can heal ourselves.

So What Then?

I bought into these ideas.  They are very subtle, and they appeal to our belief in our independence and abilities.  I was baffled when in a session, a client would appear to have a breakthrough of understanding, yet return the next week with no changed behavior.  Insight is not enough.  Trying harder is not enough.  Think back to salvation- God accomplishes it.  It is the same with our growth and continual transformation.  God accomplishes it the same way He did in Christ, with one difference.  We must now partner with God in this process by continually dying and taking our old nature to the cross.  When you have an insight about your behavior or wrong pattern of thinking, don't stop there.  Confess it, repent, take it to the cross and kill it.  When I think about what my partnership with God in this process looks like, I see my main task as being disciplined to remember each and every day how dependent I am on God to maintain any changes He initiates.  So it's less about what I'm able to will myself to do, and more about remembering that I can't will myself to do anything.  I must simply get myself in God's presence on a daily basis.  This is my chief task.  He will do the rest.

We are not looking to build self esteem or teach new skills upon a solid personality structure.  We are looking for root systems that are diseased and need to be put to death.

John and Paula Sandford write, "We are always dealing not so much with what was done to us as our sinful responses.  Reactions of resentment and judgment, however hidden and forgotten in the heart, must find their way to the cross...habitual patterns of response must be transformed by repentance, death, and rebirth.  Otherwise, no permanent or even valuable change of personality will result."

We are talking about assisting the process of discovery so that the Holy Spirit can write understanding in the heart.  For that difficulty Paul prayed that "the eyes of the heart may be enlightened" (Eph 1:18).

If you are stuck somewhere, unhappy with your spouse, your children, your parents, your habits, with the fruit of your life, basically, if you are a member of the human race, this is the starting point for you.  Get help from others and from the Spirit to find the roots in your life that must continue to be put to death.  It's the only way.

Leaving Home

I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember, which has saved me from much trouble in life, and for that I’m immensely thankful.  I don’t need to have an incredible conversion story in which I left the biker gang to feel that my faith is real.  But there are times where this kind of longevity can create difficulties, and I need old truths to become fresh again.  When you’ve been hearing the same things since you were a child, it can be easy to take them for granted as abstract truths with no bearing on day to day life. 

Take the teaching that Jesus left the sweet, perfect communion with the Trinity in heaven and came to earth.  Phillipians 2:6 talking about Jesus says, “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death-even death on a cross!”  Having heard this a million times, it is easy for me to take it all for granted, that Jesus left his home and gave up everything, making the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.  I’m more than a little embarrassed to admit that this reality usually elicits very little of a response from me.  I gloss over it, thinking there must be deeper truths about God to be explored.  After all, everyone knows what Christmas is all about, just like they know why we celebrate Easter.  But through my recent life experience, God was gracious enough to remind me of His love in coming to earth.  I want to draw your attention to the incredible ways that God uses our life experiences to teach us and relate to us.  

A Big Move

 

We just moved across the country to Washington from Maryland.  I’m very excited to be here, and it’s been something I’ve wanted for a long time.  But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.  A long move like that is loaded with stressors, and since we’ve been here I have faced the inevitable homesickness that comes with such a change.  Everything is new and strange, there are no familiar places from which to draw comfort, and the family and friends I often relied on are thousands of miles away.  I was feeling the pang of this sharply the other night.  As the Spirit often does, I heard a gentle voice reminding me that this is a tiny fraction of how Jesus must have felt on earth.  He is more intimately acquainted with homesickness, loneliness, and all other types of suffering than I ever will be.  As it is written, “Foxes have dens, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”(Matthew 8:20)  I miss imperfect places and people, and I have moved to what I consider a desirable place.  Jesus left God’s side for the broken mess of earth and was surrounded by people who didn’t understand him at best and murdered him at worst.

Spurgeon puts it this way: “He solemnly determined that to offer a sufficient atoning sacrifice He must go the whole way, from the highest to the lowest, from the throne of highest glory to the cross of deepest woe.  He would not stop short of all He had undertaken to suffer for His people."  I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking of all I’d given up and in a flash, the teaching of the Incarnation became more than a children’s story.  This chastised, comforted, and led me to worship.  But it also taught me something about getting to know Jesus better.

Shared Experience

 We are relational creatures and so we need truths we can relate to.  Have you thought about this?  Part of the reason we are urged so often to imitate Christ and to share in His sufferings is because it helps us to draw closer to Him.  When you meet someone and discover that they have experienced the same things, even if they happened to visit the same restaurant we’ve been to once, we immediately feel closer to them, we get excited, and we have something to talk about.  If they went to the same school as us or lived in a town we lived in, we have even more to discuss.  If we knew some of the same people then we’re really jiving and beginning to think we could become friends.  We connect by sharing experiences.  I’m sure we all can connect with this feeling of being outside our comfort zone and the terror and loneliness that comes with it.  The God of the Universe made a bit of a cross country move himself, and He did it to save me.  I hope that now whenever I feel that ache, I will be reminded of what Jesus gave up for me and that I will long for heaven the same way that He did.  If we are unwilling to follow in the suffering of Christ, or be out on a limb, we are robbing ourselves of the chance to get to know Him more intimately.

The Incarnation is a call to follow His example in leaving comfort behind in order to accomplish something for the kingdom.  This is a unique way that I can imitate Christ.  Not all of us are called to make big moves, but we can make this truth fresh in our lives whenever we push aside our comforts and give something up in an effort to follow God’s purposes for our lives.  It is only a temporary leaving and homesickness anyway.  Jesus’ little trip made it possible for all of us to follow Him back to heaven in a little while.  Oh the things we will have to talk about.

It's New Years

I spent some time the other day looking over my journal entries from the past year.  Like many of you, I wanted to use the turning of the calendar as an opportunity to do some reflecting and to make some changes.  However, I didn't want to come up with the typical list of resolutions about eating less carbs or breaking free from the underground fight club.  I wanted to see if I actually learned anything over the last year and if I could apply it to my life in 2014.  I share this list because while it contains personal lessons, I think it could be easily applied to your situation.

The Weather Will Change

There's a saying in certain parts of the country that if you want the weather to change you just need to wait 15 minutes.  Sun quickly turns to rain, or wind suddenly dies down.  Even if your weather doesn't change rapidly, you can always count on the seasons to bring new conditions.  The first thing I noticed about my entries from the past year is that each time I wrote, whether it was a day or a month later, my emotions were always different.  I would be in abject despair about a certain situation only to discover a week later that it either resolved itself or God had given me the peace to deal with it.

Despite this obvious pattern, in each entry I behaved as if I completely lacked this perspective.  The issue of the moment dominated, and I didn't have the peace God wanted me to have.  For example, we just moved to Washington from Maryland, and many of my entries this past year were dominated by the theme of figuring out where to go next and how it was going to happen.  Now that we're here in Washington, I'm realizing that I wasted a lot of energy fretting about circumstances that not only resolved themselves, but emotions that did as well.

Watch Less TV

The second major theme I noticed is connected to the first.  I also discovered that I had a good bit of control over how quickly the emotional weather changed in my life.  There were times throughout the year where I "relapsed" and swung back to feelings of frustration or anxiety and I noticed a direct correlation between my ability to deal with life and how I'd been spending my time.

The entries littered with quotes from books I was reading or passages of Scripture I was reflecting on were the ones where I had a healthy perspective on life and a measure of contentment.  The weeks where I was just kind of getting by, going to work and watching a lot of Netflix seemed to be the times I completely lost perspective.  I had no idea this was the case until I looked back at the whole year.  I think it's important to note this because everything I'm saying is common sense, but when you're in the middle of it, when it's a Wednesday in February and you're just trying to make it through, you don't remember that how you spend your time matters.

 I was so lazy and self involved during the TV heavy weeks!  I think this is why many of our resolutions center around being more disciplined in some area of life, because we understand our harmful tendency to switch back to default mode.  What a contrast when I was spending time with God and fixing my gaze outward!  When I was focused on self, I was interested in what I was lacking and how this or that seemed unfair or unbearable and I needed it to change right now.  It was like two different people were writing each time, the mature version of me and the 4 year old having a tantrum, which is kind of embarrassing.  But it makes sense.  If I spent 30 minutes in a given week praying, reading about God, or listening to a sermon, that couldn't compete with the hours upon hours spent watching fictional characters live the good life and get all the happy endings I thought I was missing out on.

 2014

So I'm committing to emotional consistency in the coming year.  I'm realizing I have a lot of growing to do, and that I've been tossed about by the waves of life more than I care to admit.  Maybe you feel some of the same and want to get off the roller coaster in the coming year.  Remind yourself that your feelings will change, and take the steps towards peace and contentment by grounding yourself daily in Christ.

Me jogging: Ok, I made one stereotypical resolution